How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids (Do This Instead)

Not long ago, I decided I was done yelling at my kids.  Ten minutes after I made my commitment, someone dumped a whole box of Lucky Charms on the kitchen floor in an attempt to pick out the marshmallows. If you can relate—if you want to learn how to stop yelling at your kids and feel like you’re failing— you’re in the right place.

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Most of us want to parent with love and gentleness, but it’s so much easier said than done.

The other day, my sweet daughter offered me a powerful example of what to do when I feel like yelling.

Her words are changing me and challenging me.  I’m sharing this story with you today with the hope that it might help you make the same shift that is helping me.

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids With a Simple Mindset-Shift

I’m pounding out words on the computer when sweet Bekah bounces off the school bus. She careens through the door and makes a bee-line straight for the bathroom.

“Oh, sweet boy,” she giggles from the bathroom in the hallway.

I wonder what toy or note she found from her little brother in the bathroom.

Five minutes later, she prances into the living room, and I ask what led to the remark.

“Caleb left his potty seat on the toilet and the stool pushed right up to the toilet.  He closed the big toilet seat like that’s how the bathroom’s supposed to look,” she explains.

That’s it? I wonder.  She saw the mess her little brother left and responded with joy?

I sit in silence and consider the lesson I might learn from my child.  How would my life be different if I loosened up?  I’m quick to snap in anger when life doesn’t go my way.  I tend to grumble over the messes my family leaves for me.

How would my life be different if I didn’t get worked up over the driver who cuts me off in traffic, long lines at the grocery store, and messes from my kids?

I imagine I’d step into a life with less grit and more grace.  The life I crave.

A Shift for Greater Peace in Your Home

If you’d like to learn how to stop yelling at your kids but don’t know where to begin, I encourage you to begin by asking God to change your heart.

When I feel anger rising within me, I try to stop, step back, and ask God to help me respond with gentleness instead of anger.

As a part of this shift, the following practices are helping me to yell less and extend more grace to others.  At the heart of the matter, if we truly want to learn how to stop yelling at our kids, the change must begin in our hearts.  Our words will follow.  The following practices are helping me yell less by changing my heart.

1. Shift from annoyance to appreciation.

When someone in your life leaves a mess for you to clean up, respond with, “Oh, sweet_____(insert name).” Give thanks for their presence in your life instead of grumbling over the additional work they sometimes create.  Learn to let it go and smile instead of grumbling.

For example, when I notice that my daughter has left a mess after an afternoon of crafting at the kitchen table, I pause to give thanks for her creativity before asking her to clean up.  Most of the time, simply pausing to appreciate her helps me not to snap at her about the mess.

I know this is easy to say and much more challenging to live out.

Ask God to help you and soften your heart.  He is waiting to help you.

When someone in your life leaves a mess for you to clean up, respond with, “Oh, sweet_____(insert name).” Give thanks for their presence in your life instead of grumbling over the additional work they sometimes create. Click To Tweet

2. Give others permission to have bad days.

When a stranger snubs you or takes advantage of you, consider that she might be walking through the most difficult season of her life.  I remind myself of this with my kids and family members, too.

We all have bad days.  I’ve learned to give my loved ones (and strangers) permission to have bad days.  This doesn’t mean that I let them walk all over me or that I never set boundaries.  However, I try to extend grace.  I have bad days, too.

Recognizing that my child might be having a difficult day helps me think before yelling.

3. Don’t keep a record of wrongs.

I encourage you to resist the urge to make mental lists of what your kids or family members are doing wrong.  Don’t mentally calculate the number of hours you spend taking care of your home and compare the list to other family members.

Resist the urge to feel sorry for yourself or grumble.

The work God sets before you is his holy calling for your life.

You might do more than your “fair share” of the work at your home.  There is a time and place for reaching out and asking for help.  However, keeping track of offenses will cause bitterness to grow in your heart.

4. Remember the One you are serving.

When I feel frustrated with my children, I remember Jesus’ words: “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me” (Matthew 25:40).  It took several years of motherhood for me to realize that my children are “the least of these.”

When we care for our kids with patience and kindness, Jesus counts it as if we are directly caring for him.

When I feel tempted to yell at my kids, I imagine I am Jesus’ mother, Mary.  I’m not sure whether Mary ever lost her temper with young Jesus; however, I know that I am much less likely to yell at my kids when I think of them as if I were caring for Jesus.

5. Recognize that you never know what’s happening in someone else’s heart and life . . . and be kind.

A few months ago, a friend told me about a story she recently read in a book. A man was irritated as he made his way home on the subway.  The tired father sitting across from him was unable to control his unruly children, and the kids were bouncing off the walls.

Just as the man was about to say something to the father who was exerting no control over his children, the father looked him in the eye and thanked him for his grace.

The family was on their way home from their mother’s funeral.

The forlorn father had no emotional energy to contain his children.  The sweet little ones were coping with their difficult day and life-changing loss.

We often don’t know what’s going on in the lives of those who offend us or annoy us. What if, instead of being angry, we extended grace?

 

 

Learn to Cultivate Gentleness and Stop Angry Cooking, Angry Cleaning, and Angry Parenting:

I have a confession to make: I’m an Angry Cleaner.  I also tend to Angry Cook and Angry Parent at times.  When the workload feels overwhelming, and I cannot keep up with the messes, these mindsets overtake me.  I’m sharing my journey with Angry Parenting in this free download today.  It’s raw and real, and I invite you to learn the lessons God has been teaching me right here:

For a limited time, I invite you to download and read a chapter of my life-changing book, Lean Into Grace, right here.  This chapter will help change the way you see the work God has placed in front of you and align your heart with his heart.  Download this chapter for free with promo code GRACE right here.  I pray it blesses you.  It might even help you learn how to stop yelling at your kids!

Calling All Moms and Daughters!

Additionally, my 12-year-old daughter, Bekah, and I wrote a mother-daughter devotional book to help mothers and daughters grow closer together while connecting with God.  Girl to Girl: 60 Mother-Daughter Devotions for a Closer Relationship and Deeper Faith includes 60 devotions with Scripture, commentaries from both of us, conversation starters, and even a shared journaling section.  Multitudes of mothers, daughters, mentors, and younger women are being transformed by this book!  You can find this book in eBook form for free on the Kindle Unlimited Plan or buy a print copy for 11.99 right here.